Looking for a job?

If you are, here's one that might suit. The Queen is advertising for a washer-upper. The pay is £14,000 a year and accommodation is available. The successful applicant must be prepared to travel.

My first thought when I heard about this vacancy was that fourteen grand would buy quite a few dishwashers. Then I wondered if anybody makes a dishwasher large enough to cope with all the crockery, cutlery and glassware used at a state banquet for a hundred or so people. Probably not. In any case, that crockery would be fine porcelain, the cutlery probably silver and the glassware crystal, none of it suitable to be put in a dishwasher, hence the need for human intervention. But then I discovered that the washer-upper is wanted for the staff restaurant. Staff restaurant! How the other half live.

There is the perk of travel, presumably at Her Majesty's expense. But is the Queen likely to take her own personal washer-upper on state visits to exotic locations? I hardly think so. Anyway, this vacancy is in the staff restaurant. So the travel is likely to be between London, Windsor, Sandringham and Balmoral. Not a lot of fun there then.

What I have not been able to discover is how much would be deducted from the £14k for the accommodation - or just where the accommodation is. Probably a dingy bedsit close to Victoria station. But what if it's in Buck House? Can you imagine placing a phone order with a mail order company. 'And what is your address, sir (or madam)?' 'Buckingham Palace.' 'Post code?' 'I haven't the foggiest idea but I'm sure the postman can find it.'



Perhaps the lucky applicant will be a really hard bargainer and persuade Her Majesty to throw in a pair of the Royal Rubber Gloves, perhaps decorated with the royal coat of arms. No, it wouldn't be the coat of arms: perhaps the royal cypher (above)? Anyway, if it were me, I would immediately pop round to the nearest corner shop (assuming there is one somewhere in the vicinity of Buckingham Palace) to buy a common or garden pair so that I could keep the Royal Rubber Gloves in their pristine state. Wouldn't I love to pass those on to a grandchild as a family heirloom!