American history

Well, maybe not, but these are alleged to be genuine things written by school pupils in history essays.

• Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
• Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
• One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English putting tacks in their tea. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.
• Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
• Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and was shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assassin was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.