Those shaggy dog stories

I did promise, or at least hint at, worse to come after the shaggy chicken stories on Friday. Being a man of my word, here it is.

(Cue roll of drums: Drrrr rrrrr rrrrr)

The Story of the Ambitious Cornflake

(Cue trumpet fanfare: Taraa tarara tarata)

One day a new cornflake factory started production. It was opened by a Very Important Personage, a Member of the Royal Family, a fairly junior Member admittedly - in fact, a very junior member - but nonetheless, a Member of the Royal Family. After declaring the factory well and truly open, the very junior Member of the Royal Family was invited to flick the switch to start the machinery rolling. A Cleaner of the Household of the Royal Family (a very junior Cleaner of the Household of the Royal Family as the Very Important Personage was himself only a very junior Member of the Royal Family) stepped forward to dust the switch, after which a Health and Safety Inspector of the Household of the Royal Family (a very junior Health and Safety Inspector of the Household of the Royal Family) ensured that it would be safe for the very junior Member of the Royal Family to flick the switch. The switch was duly flicked by the very junior Member of the Royal Family and the new cornflake-making machinery thrummed into life.

After a few moments, the very first cornflake popped out of the machine onto a conveyor belt.

‘Hey,' said the cornflake to himself, ‘I'm the first cornflake out of a new machine that was switched on by a Member of the Royal Family in a brand spanking new factory which was opened by a Member of the Royal Family. I must be a Very Important Cornflake and I'm always going to be the top.'

He was a Very Ambitious Cornflake.

By the time these thoughts had passed through the mind of the Very Ambitious Cornflake (which didn't take long as even Very Ambitious Cornflakes have very little minds), it had reached the end of the conveyor belt and was tipped into a second piece of machinery which would pack the cornflakes into greaseproof bags. Naturally, as our Very Ambitious Cornflake was the first to reach the machine, he was the first into a bag. This meant that a whole heap of other cornflakes landed on top of the Very Ambitious Cornflake and he was at the bottom of the heap.

‘Hey,' said the Very Ambitious Cornflake to himself, ‘I'm supposed to be the Numero Uno around here, the Top of the Heap.'

With that, he started climbing to the top of the bag, pushing, elbowing, scratching and generally fighting his way to the top. He made it, but barely had time to draw breath before he reached the next machine. This was the one that placed the greaseproof bags inside the cardboard cartons. In doing that, the bags were turned upside down. Which, of course, meant that our Very Ambitious Cornflake was back at the bottom.

Once again, he pushed, elbowed, scratched and generally fought his way to the top.

‘I knew it,' said the Very Ambitious Cornflake to himself. ‘I'm just destined to be Top of the Heap, the Most Important Cornflake around here.'

But once again, by the time these thoughts had passed through the mind of the Very Ambitious Cornflake, he reached the next machine. This was the one where the packets were placed in the large cardboard outers, 24 packs to an outer. Once again, the machine turned the packets over as it placed them in the new packaging, so once again the Very Ambitious Cornflake found himself at the bottom, and once again, he pushed, elbowed, scratched and generally fought his way to the top.

A forklift truck carried the outer containing 24 packs of cornflakes into a warehouse and the Very Ambitious Cornflake took the opportunity to catch his breath. It was as well he did, because the forklift driver was new to the job and made a hash of unloading. He managed to tip the outer containing the 24 packs of cornflakes - and it landed upside down. This, of course, meant that the Very Ambitious Cornflake was back at the bottom once more.

He started out again, pushing, elbowing, scratching and generally fighting his way to the top. But before he made it, the whole outer was picked up and put in place in the warehouse. Of course, it was turned the right side up in the process, so our Very Ambitious Cornflake had only managed to get halfway to the top before he had to turn round and go back the way he had come.

And that, my friends, is all I can tell you today. You see, this is a cereal story.