I'm trying to decide

There's just so much I want to tell you all, stuff that I'm sure you will find absolutely fascinating, but I can't make up my mind where to start. Should I tell you about:

• my life as a pearl fisher in the Baltic Sea,
• how a sat-nav ruined my sex life,
• exploring Baffin Bay on a donkey,
• eating celery in the bath using my navel as a salt cellar,
• how to make a burglar alarm from a candle, a cotton reel, a matchstick and two yards of knicker elastic.

But perhaps I'll just go and paint the kitchen ceiling.