Kinky people

I have come to the conclusion that some people, of whom Mrs S is one, are just born that way. They have an innate kinkiness. Now, don't misunderstand me, dear reader: I would hate you to get over-excited and swallow your teeth. What I am talking about is not the kinkiness of Page 3 shenanigans, thigh-high boots and g-strings or three-in-a-bed romps. Mrs S would never be into anything like that, not even in her younger days, but she has a strange ability to put a kink or tangle into the lead of any electrical appliance. Take, for example, the telephone we used to have in the kitchen. This was before the days of digital, cordless handsets and we had a wall-mounted apparatus which was the one most used for making and receiving calls. The dearly beloved had a habit of pulling the handset across the kitchen so that she could sit down to chat. I did try suggesting that it would be easier on the cord if she moved a chair to the telephone instead of the telephone to a chair, but my suggestions fell like seeds on stony ground. The cord was one of those coiled things that are supposed to contract when the handset is replaced. It always did that, but somehow it always managed to twist itself up so that when the handset was next used, one had to lean across the working surface and hold ones head about three inches from the base set. Eventually, of course, the cord had been practically pulled free at each end so I had to buy a new phone. I bought a cordless one, thinking it would mean that Mrs S could sit down to talk and I could pass from one end of the kitchen to the other without having to negotiate a stretched-taut lead. In suppose I should have known it wouldn't suit, but she seems to have got used to it, and we no longer have a tangled telephone cord.

Another example is the vacuum cleaner. I would have thought it simple enough to wind the lead around the fixtures made specially for that without getting into a mess. But somehow Mrs S manages to kink the lead so tightly that the plastic sheathing cracks and, eventually, the insulation round one of the wires also gives way. The first I am aware of the the problem is usually when there is a loud bang and the cleaner shorts out. The kink is always just where the lead enters the cleaner, so all I have to do is to cut off the last foot or so of the lead and rewire the machine. The trouble is that after this has been done a few times the lead becomes too short to be of any practical use and I have to buy a new length.

The latest piece of equipment to need my attention was the iron. I just happened to notice that the earth wire was bare - again at the point of entry into the iron. No problem, I thought; I'll just remove the back plate and pull through six inches of lead before reconnecting. No such luck. The lead was connected with spade connectors and I ended up at a car spares store where I had to buy a pack of 25 connectors so that I could use three.

And so passed Christmas Eve.